Sometimes, it just honestly sucks having such gorgeous, outgoing friends, because while I’m sitting next to them, plain and mute, as they tease, flirt, and toy with the school’s cutest boys, I know I most definitely pale in comparison. I love my friends more than anything, don’t get me wrong, but I feel… awkward and so out of place sometimes, while everyone is interested in them and no one even acknowledges me. I’m just feeling so goddamn worthless lately, and seeing my friends glowing and practically intoxicated on their flirtations and blossoming romances, while I know I should be happy for them, I can’t help but feel… not really jealous toward them, exactly, but just this continuous idea of constantly being inferior to them all, of not being as pretty or as funny, as smart or as outgoing. It’s not even the attention from boys that matters anymore - boys come and go - but more of the concept that I am nothing compared to their everything, that I am coal to their diamonds… and that right there, the incessant feeling of absolute worthlessness in the pit of my stomach that makes being happy for then so goddamn difficult, is what sucks most of all.

Whenever I like someone, really like someone, I tend to see them in a glowing light, and put them on this “all-mighty” pedestal where they’re so beautiful, funny, smart, talented, so absolutely and irrevocably perfect, they can do no wrong. Their problems, flaws, and weaknesses seem to blur and fade away to the point they no longer even exist; I make them into some super-human incapable of imperfection. It sounds nice in theory, one might think, but it’s the reason I am so frightened, so positively terrified of opening up and allowing myself to care about someone, not to mention possibly love them… when you’re infatuated with someone you’ve made perfect, you feel so terribly inferior. When I look at the boy I like, so many thoughts run through my head: I will never be pretty enough for you. I will never be funny enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough or popular enough. I am nothing compared to you, you who is flawless in every possible sense of the word, flawless from your crooked smile to your smoldering eyes to your messy hair and calloused hands. I am nothing, and you are everything.